Smother

My home was banished long ago,

It took the death of hope

To let you go – Slipknot

 

Hope, luck, love…words that changed in meaning over time for each of us. It is not only the meaning that changed, but our reaction to them, the once comforting love became the toxicity that plague our life, the hope that we held dear in our hearts burnt everything to cinders.

Apologies dear readers, I did not mean to extrapolate my piece of mind to you. But if you have been reading thus far in my sob stories, you are willing to explore these darker areas of our souls.

Was it wise of me to keep hope?

Everyone pushed me to be hopeful, our society is constructed on a false system of hope that pushes each individual to go out in the world and seek what’s theirs, to hope for a better outcome. At a certain point in life, you do not wish to keep hope, you are scared of hoping, of loving, of caring.

This fear drives us to seclusion, yes, you know deep down you crave to be around people, you crave that special someone’s attention, you want to feel loved even if externally you keep everyone at arm’s length out of fear. When you think about the one person that is able to bring a smile to your face, acknowledge it, you cannot prevent the negativity from polluting your thoughts. You cannot conceive of a future where everyone is happy, and the story ends on the happiest note.

I am not good enough

She will never see me for what I really am, or if she does, she will leave

I’m a mess

I’m too unstable…too demanding

I will definitely ruin her

I would ask you to smother these thoughts and be happy, but I cannot give you a piece of advice that I cannot apply to myself…thus smother these happy thoughts, let yourself drown into these thoughts, maybe one day you will see your worth…but it will end soon.

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